Smoking & My 100% Failure Rate

No fat girl fashion today folks, shits about to get real.

The number of times I've tried to quit smoking is a number that I don't think has been invented yet. During every cold, any news of anyone with cancer (which seems to be a lot these days.. hey cancer, how about you fuck off), or just a spurt of optimism, quitting smoking has been attempted by yours truly. I've had a 100 percent failure rate. I've tried the gum, the inhaler, cold turkey, almost everything short of that crazy psychosis crap and the patch (which is what I'm trying now). If you think about it scientifically, for myself, my own experiment, my findings have told me that I'm most likely meant to smoke. My hypothesis: I will quit smoking. The independent variable: the method of how I will quit. The dependent variable: will I actually quit. Findings: I keep smoking.

I'm not here to rant about how positive my life will be once I quit smoking, because you know what, I think it's going to be complete shit for awhile. I LIKE going outside for cigarettes and chatting with my friends. I LOVE having a cigarette with my coffee or after a huge meal. Smoking is (or was) a joy for me, and I know the thought of it is still going to make me sooky and nostalgic for smoking even if I'm successful at quitting.

But let's get real, and by real, I mean let me count the ways that quitting smoking is a good idea:

Nobody likes smokers nowadays (or at least it seems that way). It's less socially acceptable to have a cigarette in public than it is to smoke a joint, especially in Vancouver. I don't want to get "that look" from people while I'm minding my own business enjoying what I enjoy. So, you win, assholes. I'm going to try to stop enjoying what I enjoy. For you. And well, for your air space. I guess you're not asking too much.

My health is deteriorating and I'm only 22. I'm not saying I'm going to die anytime soon, but I can't walk up the stairs without feeling winded, or get over a cold in just a couple of days because I keep on coughing. It's embarrassing when I'm at a family event and I cough my lungs out, and get that stern look from my grandfather pointing his finger at me and saying it's because of smoking. I can't disagree with him, it is. I shouldn't be doing it. I should never have started. I probably could have been in more organized sports as a teenager if smoking wasn't on my to-do list at the age of 13. But alas, be a part of the cool crowd is what I wanted to achieve, and I'm not even sure if I made it in.

The amount of money that I spend on smoking a year is enough to purchase a designer handbag. I'm not going to back this up with any information. It doesn't need to be backed up. Quit smoking = buy a trendy designer bag every year. Are you kidding me.

And the most sensitive subject for me, my family. I've loved and lost people who died because they were dealt a shitty hand because of disease and cancer. Smoking on average takes about 10 years off of your life. I don't want to be dead at a young age and not see my grandkids. I don't want to take off 10 years, because a dear loved one didn't even make it to 20 years. It's hard to see people suffering because of what disease does, and I go and essentially inject a little bit of disease into my system 14 times a day just because it feels good at the time. A little note to myself here: you know what feels good Julia, breathing. That feels good, idiot.

I know if I can't quit this time I'm going to kick myself in the ass for writing this post, and making myself feel horrible every time I smoke. But maybe that's what I'll need.

To everyone I talk to on a daily basis, please excuse bitchiness, easy irritability and annoyance, as it will be the addiction for smoking acting out, not me.

Everyone, raise your glass. Here's to a 100% success rate with the patch.